well i am seriously in a bad mood...

i break down once again...

yes i admit that i wam wrong to be busy...

i know that my time n ur time can nv match...

i know u suffer a lot...

i know that u r seriously fucked up with me...

i know that i dun fit to be anybody dream guy...

i know that i am quite a workaholic...

i know that i dunno how to make ppl happy...

i know all these things

i know that u r unhappy...

feel unloved...

but what can i do...

i seriously i dunno...

shd i kill myself and leave this world...

i can't take it anymore...

i dun wan to put on my smiley mask everyday...

i want to be myself...

i dun wan emotions...

i want to be emotionless...

i want to be hard-hearted...

but...

somehow... i will still put on my mask...

i dunno y...

noone will understand how i feel...

my mom, my dad, my gf, my friends, my buddies, my close friends......

no ones understand the real me...

since secondary sch...
my mom has never support me...

i know that currently i do have financial problems....
if this continues maybe i will have to quit school...

but i m still surviving

i know my family stress...

that is y i never tel them bout my problems , my unhappiness...

as i dun wan to add to their trouble...

i tried my best to make everyone happy...
but ended up i screwed everything...

y???

my mom just quarrel with me...

all bout money...

wat can i do?

i cannot stand anymore...

today she even goes to the extend on if u dun like , go to the press and post an advertisement stating breaking ties...

i seriously dunno wat's up with her now?

she can throw all her temper at me...

but not at my brother....

i dunno...

sometimes i really wonder m i their child?

i dunno...

i know that some might say i have gotten unfair treatment.
but i surrender to my life...
that's my fate.

wat's wrong with me?

i have tons of tons of work to settle...

i get fucked up by clients, teammates, friends, lecturers and many more...

but i kept all inside me...
even my closest friends, buddies, and wateva dun know bout my problem...

as i think that they have their own problem to solve, y add to their trouble?

i am seriously going mad soon...

i remember i was once a freelance...
but i was fucked up by all these clients ...

that's for website...
mainly on java

i remember i was once a person who writes songs...
my music piece is being selected
but someone change a bit (from the music house) and claim that it was done by him...
and i m not paid for that...

fucked

i know i am stupid...
i am silly...
i am brainless...
i am just useless...

y???

people do better than me...
i am the worst...

I am not an ideal son.
I am not an ideal boyfriend.
I am not an ideal guy.
I am not an ideal person.
I am not an ideal friend.
I am nothing.

just shit. (I admit)

I lose... ya... I lose to myself...

i dunno how long can i keep my relationship with jamie as i know that there's some problem now...

i dunno how much longer can i stand my mom...

i dunno how long can i be normal.

i dunno how long will my mask takes to crack.

i dunno ...

for those with happy families, treasure it... and u guys r lucky...

to jamie: sorry dear,

I have not have time for u. I know that u might feel very neglected...
but i still have to say sorry. i always say that i m busy. and u always say that i always say that.
but that is the fact. i seriously apologize..

anyway as u have read my above stuff... well, i m just saying or giving my piece of mind ... you shd know that i do have a lot of problems... well the reason for not telling u is i want to b selfish as i dun wan u to worry too much... as this sem is ur SIP.

well, loving u to me is easy but yet hard as time doesn't allow me to do that. and i know that knowing me is even worst... i dun wan u to end up getting hurt...

i hope u will understand... i have read the email that u send me...

i dunno wat to reply as i know that i am in fault.

well... i do miss you... but yet i dunno...

at first for me... accepting u is hard for me...

as i never put down my past...

but once i have u back, i did lighten my past...

but when sch starts ...

i only bring hurt to u...
sorry dear.

seriously when u say mia in msn, i tell myself, if that were to happen i will be the one to be mia.
or even die...

as i dunno how to face this world anymore...

promise me that you will live ...

well, anyway if u were to leave me, i wun be angry with u as i know that i am in wrong...

anyway sorry dear...

-------- Thanks guys for reading -------

well having acted for more than 5 years , it does helps a lot...

as u guys have always see an acting jacky...

hahahaz

ok... put on my mask again...

byez