I dun understand myself

I need silence...

Well, this blog is the only area that I am able to express quite freely...

At times, I just feel hard... hard to live...

I just feel that I am caged...

I want to just get out...

This is how I feel now...
nothing related to my school work...

I want to free msyelf from my home actually...

I have tell so many lies that ya, my relationship with my family is always like friends...
okay now, I admit, all these are lies...

Actually it is always not that good...

Somehow, my heart hurts when things r not my fault and ya, things just keep pushing onto me...
I have troubles... But I never go to my parents...
not even friends...

I keep it to myself...

Life has never been easy...
In primary school, I do not haf much nice memories...
In sec school, experience quite alot...
and when comes to theatre production, I am all alone...
Doing all the back work...
getting alot of nasty remarks...
and i just swallowed it...

I just swallowed everything including my pride...
As it just everything that I did, no one ever appreciate...

In my poly life, it is never easy...
I wish it was...
I am not an academically strong student...
I came in without portfolio...
I can't draw...

what the hell...
I dun even know photoshop and all these...
people I know at least they haf some play on these...
I was like trying to climb...
I learn everything from poly...

I had scoldings from people, but I accept it as it was my fault for not knowing stuff ahead...
I swallowed all these...

Internship, most of my frenz had good experience in SIP...
Well, for me, I swallowed everything again...
I was like I am being ordered around and treat me like shit...
I am like not a human...
I came in office early and left quite late...
I did what they told me to and mainly admin stuff...
They tell me to shoot the video...
I want out alone to search for location, look for angles.. and even do all the shoots without lights and everything...
just a normal camcorder...
After I have complete like 3/4...
I was threatened that I will be fired...
I almost breakdown in front of Alfie...
As Alfie saw me in school one day when I could not find Gail...
The next day, I was fired...
And I completely breakdown...

It was the first time Alfie saw me cried...
It was like all my hardwork...
Gone...

People dun seem to appreciate...

Meowmoo is another...
I give up as I was treated like a stranger...
And ya, some reasons behind also...

Life is really unfair...
I wish that people can just appreciate...

Well, I learn all my techniques and stuff from P3...
Thanks Linus, Adrian, and everyone...
As ya, that was my first time seeing a dolly, tracks, HD, and how exactly shooting a film works...
I quietly learn from everyone...
As I know that I am not good...
That is why I even do all the jobs that I am not really given just to learn more things in a short period of time...
I am willingly to put down my everything just to learn...
As I know they grow alot from industry works... but not me...
they could already haf industry portfolio stuff,
as for me... I wish I had...

I can only wish...
But just seems that my skies are always grey...

This time round, FYP...
I do not haf enuff crew...
I do not haf enuff time for production...
It is a rush work, I must admit...
Some of us had fun...
I had fun too...
But I was always feeling alone...
I felt bad for my crew esp to Abel, as at first I was to release him at ard 8pm but becoz of my talent saying she could not come the next day... He got to stay till like 12 plus am...
I am really sorry bout it and ya, thanks bro...

But MOTHER . SON although the EEs response is good...
But I dunno whether the audience response is good or not...
haha...
I hope so...

Looking back, I have really grow... But I really store up too much...
I am just afraid that it might just one day explode...

This is why I am not into relationship...
I might just as well be single all the way...
As none of my relationships works...
haha
given up hope already...

Now I just wish that I dun see myself killing myself, as somehow I am able to see it...
ya... Somehow...

And people, all I can say is TREASURE EVERYTHING. DON'T REGRET...

Smile... EMO Jacky is always smiling...
I dun understand myself anymore...